25 Year Journey: Part One

This morning as I was getting ready it randomly came to mind that in November of this year it will be 25 years ago we started our adoption journey. It was a journey like no other. It was one that could have been made into a made for TV movie probably. So many ups, downs and crazy turns.

Twenty-five years ago adoption looked very different and very much the same. We made a life book to share with birth mothers but it was an actual book, now they’re digital. It’s not uncommon for families to have a web page. Honestly, beyond the differences in creating life books and or profiles I don’t know how much is or is not the same in the process.

Our journey or story starts with being told there was little, if any chance of conceiving naturally or with IVF. While that was hard to hear it wasn’t the end of the world for me. We had talked about adopting after having biological children so for me, being told that, just meant we were skipping the biological children and going straight to adoption.

Little did I know the door we were opening would not only bring me some of the best of my life but also some of the worst.

Our first attempt to grow our family through adoption was and international adoption. We had connections in Belize in Central America. She had facilitated an adoption for a family in New York and the same birth mother was pregnant again and wanted to place this baby. Her and her husband had actually placed every child she got pregnant with for adoption because they were so poor they could not care for any of them.

This beautiful little girl was born and was in the care of the woman facilitating the adoption until everything could process through. A process that would take around 6 months. After a couple of months, we received a call stating if we were going to adopt the baby, I had to come to Belize and live for the next 3 months. Due to her husband’s drug addiction she could no longer care for the baby. Living in Belize for the next 4 months was not an option, I needed to work in order to pay for the adoption. She told us if I could not come down she would have to find another family for the baby. As hard as it was, heart breaking actually, we had to walk away from the baby girl we had named Hannah Carolyn.

Twenty-five years later I can tell you, that baby girl was never meant to be ours. She was placed with a couple who had not been able to have children but for personal reasons never pursued adoption. They knew the woman facilitating our adoption and had been around the baby from birth. They happily opened their hearts and home to little girl and she has had a wonderful life. She has been loved and cherished. Had we never started the adoption process in Belize, they would probably never have had children. We were just the link that helped unite the family that was meant to be.

There’s really a lot more to this story but this is the main story. In a box in the basement I have a dress that had been made for Hannah Carolyn, a few keepsakes, and a few photos. For privacy of who Hannah Carolyn is now I won’t be sharing those photos.

Days to a week after our adoption from Belize fell apart we were contacted by our attorney asking if we would like to meet with a birth mother from a city about an hour and a half away.

I’ll stop here for now. The next part of this story is a bit more complicated, a bit more made for TV movie. It will be a much longer, more complicated post. It may contain photos, I’ll have to check on some legalities on that.

Self Reflection

I’m currently 48 and will be 49 in about 2 and half months.

Not sure if it’s my age(the fact that I’m nearing 50), or that both my kids are now gone at college, or the beginning of the new year has me doing a lot of self reflection. I’m sure it’s all of those, me being me. I tend to have had these moments periodically through the years, and that I started counseling about 9 months ago has me reflecting also.

My last post I talked about not all who wonder are lost. I’m still there, that same wondering but not lost. I know I am a daughter of the King, God Almighty. I’m good with where I’m at as a wife. I’m navigating my role as mom to 2 young adults who don’t need me as much as they use to. Where I am wondering but not lost is still trying to figure out who I want to be when I “grow up”.

April 30, 2020 self portrait

I am very much still drawn to photography but struggle with the doing it for a business aspect. It steals a lot of the joy many times. Right now I’m just trying to pick up my camera more but my big girls job and life responsibilities seem to get in the way.

I remembered some self portraits I did back in 2020(I’m sure a lot of us wish we could forget that year and all that happened). I was doing a 30 day photo challenge to pass time and these were a couple of the photos from that. I used my Nikon D750 and my 50mm 1.4 lens. I’d have to go back and look at the data embedded in the photos for the settings since it was almost 6 years ago.

Self portrait April 2020

I took another self portrait when I started my semi-anonymous Instagram page. Semi-anonymous because anyone who knows me will know it’s me if they come across the account but I am not putting it out there, kinda like this blog. It just allows me to be me and not think about someone I know “judging” what I post or share.

Friday I was off work and after I had been running errands and cleaning most of the day I go the camera out and decided to take some self portraits. I was just messing around. I was just me, hair not done, no makeup, sweatshirt and my sun room because the light is good out there. It was probably 5-10 min of me messing around.

Self portrait 1-9-2026

Are they great, absolutely not. I’m a mess and even after all these years I still have so much to learn with photography and editing. I’m not glamorous and I’m going to take beautiful amazing self portraits but again, this isn’t for anyone else. It’s for me, to express myself and challenge myself.

self portrait 1-9-2026

I’d love to say I’m going to take self portraits every month this year but realistically I’m not going to put that pressure on me. If I happen to take some through out the year then great but if I don’t that’s ok too.

So while I am not going to put the pressure of monthly self portraits on myself, I am challenging myself to pick up my camera more. Challenging myself to learn more and grow more. Reflect more.

Wondering in the Everyday

Do you ever feel lost even though you know exactly where you’re at and where you’re going? This is a feeling I struggle with periodically. It’s not really that I’m lost but wondering. It’s one of the reasons I love the line, “not all those who wonder are lost”, from the poem “All That is Gold Does Not Glitter” written by J. R. R. Tolkien. I’m not unhappy with my life, where I’m at in life, or anything in particular but I just feel like I’m wondering through life. Not lost, just wondering.

I say not lost because I know where I’m at and who I am, at least who I am in Christ but I struggle with who am I. Confusing, right? I think it goes to wondering what my purpose is in the big picture, God’s picture. I am almost 49(in about 4 months) and I don’t know what I want to be when I “grow up”, what I’m supposed to be.

I often find myself wondering what is my purpose beyond wife and mother. These are 2 very important roles, the most important I’ll have in this lifetime but what else am I supposed to be?

I’ve hit a point in my life that my kids are 20 and 18 and they don’t need me like they did so now I I’m trying to figure out who I am outside of being their mom.

I look back through old photos and I love that stage of my life. I love that I captured every day moments. I wish I had things like that to capture still. I’ll post some of my old daily life photos in this post.

How can I recreate these moments without littles running around so what is next. I like to write but is it something I can do. I like to take photos but is it something I can do. I love dogs but how do you make a job of that lol. How does an almost 49 year old not know what she is meant to do?

I honestly want to write our story, our adoption story, but each time I try to start there is a mental block I just can’t seem to get past. Our adoption story was quite the journey and could probably be a TV movie to be honest.

I’ve talked to the kids, since it is their story and they are on board with me writing it. They of course would read and approve it before it goes to print. The hurdle is myself and the mental road block I seem to have given myself.

In my wondering I am rambling but giving you a peek into the working of my crazy brain and thoughts. I hope as you read this if you are struggling with who you are, you can rest in 2 things. One you are not the alone, there are plenty of us wondering but not lost. Two, if you don’t know Jesus Christ as your savior, finding Him will help you define who you are. He is waiting for you, just as you are in all your wondering, you are lost until you find Him. A local church will welcome you or feel free to comment on this post and I’ll be happy to share how Jesus can change your life.

Ivy and Her Sheep

I love photography, specifically photography that feeds my soul.

There’s photography I do for others, they pay me for a session and while still creative, it is rare that a session like that feed my soul. It’s rare a session like that fuels my creativity and reminds me why I love photography.

I recently had a session like that. A session that fed my soul and fueled the creative fire in me.

It was for a friend. We’ve walked through a lot together in the 20 years we’ve been friends. She’s the kind of friend that we can go months without talking because life is crazy and pick up right where we left off when we see each other. She’s the kind of friend that I could call at any time, no matter how long it’s been since we talked and she’d be there if I needed something.

I’ve taken beautiful candid photos of our kids playing together when they were younger. I’ve taken family photos for her, I took maternity photos for her rainbow baby, I took delivery photos for that baby too. Now I got to photograph another special moment for her.

It’s not my story to tell but know there is such a beautiful, amazing story behind these photos. These photos of Ivy and her sheep.

The setting was perfect, the sun was gorgeous, the sheep adorable and this mom and daughter, no words to describe them.

I use to run my own photography business and yet I am not sure I would call myself a professional photographer. I have a good strong understanding of the basics of both taking photos and editing photos yet, there is so much more to learn. I often think about getting back into business again but I don’t want to loose the joy of it. I mean it’s not like I can take photos like these every day, although I’d love to.

For now I will take sessions occasionally and shoot for myself as often as I can. My dream is to be a mission trip photographer, to be able to document the amazing stories that happen on mission trips when we share the gospel of Jesus Christ. I have no idea what that looks like or how that would all work out but I know if it’s meant to happen He’ll provide a way.

Empty Nesters?

Four weeks ago we moved our son to college for his second year and 2 weeks ago we moved our daughter to college for her first year. Since then I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been asked “So how does it feel to be empty nesters?”

Our son in his dorm.

Honestly my thought is, are we really empty nesters? I mean yes, our kids are both gone at college but to me empty nest means your kids are permanently our of the home and living life without financial support from you. We are definitely not in that stage of life, lol.

Our kids are both at college and paying for the majority of it on their own but we do help with college, still pay for their cell phones, car insurance, and give them a little each month to help with miscellaneous things. Their cars are in our names, they’re still on our medical insurance and they will be living at home whenever not at college. All of this plus so many other little things makes me not feel like we’re empty nesters.

Our daughter in her dorm.

Yes, home is different. Our kids are not currently under our roof. We don’t eat dinner together, don’t go to church together, don’t just hang out or don’t do a million other little things that we do when they are home. Today is Friday and normally on Friday’s before my daughter went to college it was our day together. Sometime we did nothing and other times we ran errands, or got nails done. Today I’m getting my oil changed and sitting in the waiting room for an hour and a half because there’s no one to pick me up. Usually she would have followed me and we would have went to get coffee and probably went to TJ Maxx. So yes things are different but not what I would call empty nest different.

We are asked about how it feels coming home to an empty house. We have 3 dogs so we do not have an empty house we come home to either. We come home to barking and howling, lol. With my daughter being gone, l do now have a little 15 pound rescue that jumps in my bed and crawls under my covers and curls up beside me every night because my she isn’t here for him. Other than finding a new place to sleep and being kenneled a little more while I’m at work he seems to be adjusting to her being gone. She has already asked if we could bring him with us when we come for family day. We cannot, he’s not allowed in any of the buildings on campus. We did surprise her with a pillow of him to add to her bed in her dorm.

I miss my kids tremendously but I love seeing them thrive at college, learning about who they are as a person. I wish we got more phone calls, more FaceTime calls, more text, etc. but what parent doesn’t. Do I sometimes wish they were at a college not so far away, YES! Y’all, 9 hours is about 3 hours to far from an easy drive, lol. It’s not a bad drive but when you hit that 6-7 hour mark it gets harder. They both talked about doing college online and sometimes I wish they had but when I see their social media post, get the phone calls with all their friends chiming in, make a visit to campus, I know they’re where they’re supposed to be. I am so very thankful they are at the same college and can be there for each other.

One of these days I will be an empty nester but for now, I’m not sure what I am. I don’t know what this stage is called. My kids are at college but not permanently out of the home and they are not financially independent in any way, lol. This is preparing me for that day we really are empty nesters though, that I am sure of and that I am thankful for. I’m thankful for this transition of kids part way out of the house but still living at home on breaks. I’m doing okay with the transition to being parents to college students but being honest, I am not quite ready to be empty nesters just yet.

First day of class photo they sent me.

Not Easy

Sometimes I struggle to write because it’s not easy, it doesn’t just flow from my heart and head to the page. I feel like if I’m supposed to do this it wouldn’t be this awkward, or “hard” but the truth is if I’m called to this then it isn’t going to be easy. God doesn’t call us to easy. He calls us to lay down our life, pick up His cross.

“Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross, and follow me.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭16‬:‭24‬ ‭NLT‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/116/mat.16.24.NLT

I don’t know about you but that sounds about as far from easy as you can get and honestly awkward. Think about picking up a cross and carrying it. Definitely not easy, it’s big, heavy, cumbersome. Carrying a cross would be awkward. It’s not a box you can pick up, not a container equally shaped and balanced. It would be difficult and awkward to pick up and carry a cross. Now I know Jesus wasn’t talking about picking up a physical cross but just as he liked to talk in parables and metaphors I’m thinking that way.

So if carrying a cross is difficult and/or challenging, why would I think stepping out into what He is calling me to would be anything less? It will be difficult and awkward. It will be challenging. Just like a physical work out is hard but over time gets easier and ultimately shapes us physically(and mentally) stepping into His calling is hard and it will “shape” me and hopefully over time gets a little easier.

The thing is though, when you’re working out and your routine becomes familiar and easy you tend to hit a plateau. After a while you need to change up your workout to be challenging if you want to see continued results. Since I’m just starting this(again), I’m going to guess that walking in your calling from God is going to be similar. It’s difficult and challenging at first, gets easier with experience, time, and faith and trust in Him. Then you probably need to be challenged again to continue to grow in spiritual maturity.

The Bible says,

“Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.”
‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭12‬:‭9‬ ‭NLT‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/116/2co.12.9.NLT

So as I stubble through this writing that is awkward and challenging, I will rest in His grace, knowing He can work through me, through the awkwardness, all for His glory. I will trust the path He has me on,

iPhone 12 photo from a 2022 hiking trip

Untold Stories

I figured out one of my road blocks to posting. It’s privacy. Not my own privacy but the privacy of the ones I love. See I have all these untold stories, things that could be put into words and post made but they’re not just mine, they belong to my family too. Are they really mine to share?

I know I don’t have a lot of followers and these post really don’t get read. This blog is more for me to put my thoughts down, to practice writing, but what happens if that changes? The things I write that are not just mine could be read by anyone at anytime and is that ok?

This is just one of the questions that runs through my head when I think about writing. I could make a whole list of them but really this is the one that stops me from writing something most of the time. I’m trying to figure out how to share the untold stories without the potential of taking away my family’s privacy. Trying to figure out how to tell just my side of the story.

We also live in a society now where everything is shared on social media and to be honest, I can’t. I can’t and don’t want to share everything on social media. I also can’t handle everyone posting everything about their life. It’s over whelming in so many ways for me. I don’t want this blog to be that, just another social media over share. I want to find a way to share that’s not an over share.

So untold stories and how to share them…my big question to be able to keep writing.

Just because I love photography and I will always include at least one photo, here’s a phot from Caye Caulker from my trip to Belize in March.

Hey, it’s me…again

Almost 5 years, that’s how long it’s been since my last post.

There’s been a lot that’s happened in those 5 years and a lot has changed but the one thing that hasn’t changed is the desire to write, to put thoughts to words. Yet for a hundred reasons or so, I haven’t done that until now.

A few months ago at church I had someone come up to me to encourage me to start back up. She had read my post before but recently rediscovered and reread them. She wanted me to know that I needed to start again, that God has a purpose for my writing. I thanked her, told her I appreciated hearing that. I needed to hear that, probably more than she realized.

So here I am again. Starting to put thoughts to words, hoping I keep going this time. Hoping I don’t let life get in the way. Hoping I can shut out all the doubts and insecurities running through my mind and just let the words flow. We will see, lol.

I’ll start with a life update. You see life is about to be a lot different for me. Starting in August both of our kids will be around 9 hours away at college. Wyatt graduated last year and in May finished his first year of college. Selah graduated high school in May. In August they will both be at the same college about 9 hours away. I’m so excited for them and proud of them. If I’m honest I’m feeling all the emotions, some harder to face than others.

We waited for so many years to be parents. Fought hard to have kids, to have a family. Being a mom has been and is one of my greatest blessings. I love being a mom. I loved being a stay at home mom. If I’m honest, I’m having trouble knowing my roll as mom is changing. It’s obviously been changing for a while as the kids have grown but this is a big change. They’re both going to be gone and really on their own in a way. I want them to grow up, and grow into the amazing people God created them to be but there are times I miss having them curl up on my lap, hold my hand and need me. I miss all the questions from them. I miss hearing them play as I’m cooking supper.

Wyatt turns 20 on Monday, no longer a teenager. He moves to college 2 weeks before Selah because he’s taken a leadership role in his second year of college and will be an ARA(assistant resident attendant). So we’re moving him to college about 3 weeks. We move Selah to college in 5 weeks. Then its just Randy, the dogs, and me.

I’m happy for my kids and I’m looking forward to time with Randy, but that doesn’t mean it’s not hard. Change is scary and that’s ok and it’s ok to say it. I missed Wyatt last year when he was at college and I will miss both of them this year. I know I’m not the first, only, or last mom to go through this. I know I’m not handling it bad but I don’t know that I’m handling it well. I’m crying a little more, snapping a little more, and maybe a little more anxious.

What is my plan moving forward to handle this change? To focus on God who has always gotten me through everything. Spend time in prayer(praying my kids call me while at college, lol). Spend time in HIs word and know that if God could send his Son to die for us I can send my kids to college to become the amazing people God has designed them to be.

So, there’s my life update and hopefully the beginning of more post to come. Updated family photo below to go along with the life update.

Photo Credit Brooke Michelle Photography

Lies, Value and Worth

I’m going to be real and honest and share a personal struggle. It’s something I have dealt with for years. Something that I battle with periodically that I want to win the war over once and for all. This something is a lie from the pit of hell. I know deep down it is a lie from the enemy and yet I struggle not to listen to his persistent voice telling me over and over in settle but loud ways this same lie over and over.

That lie that I hear over and over….You are worthless, unimportant, not valuable, dispensable, replaceable.

I know it’s not true. I know I am an irreplaceable, invaluable, priceless, important daughter of the one true living God. I know He loves me with an indescribable overwhelming love. I know the truth and yet Satan screams the lie trying to drown out my Heavenly Father’s gentle whisper(God whispers so we must draw near to Him and His love. Think about it. If someone screams something you can hear it from far but if someone whispers not only must you be close but extremely close to hear. Close enough that you can be held in an embrace).

Satan takes things that have happened to us in the past, things that have wounded us and twist them into lies he tells us. Over the years I have identified those wounds and the lies the enemy has told me from each and yet here I am today struggling with those same lies. These wounds come from childhood, adolescence, young adulthood and even life now. Without throwing anyone under the bus I’ll try to share more on these wounds but the truth is the people that caused the wounds didn’t set out to hurt me. We are human and we make mistakes and hurt people. When that happens Satan sees the opportunity, pounces on an open wound and pours salt in it with his lies.

I grew up in your all American family. High school sweethearts got married, had 2 kids, the dog, ranch on half an acre in the same school district they graduated from, good life living the American dream. Until that dream shattered. I was in late elementary when it all started coming apart visibly. I know by 4th grade I could see it was coming unraveled but it probably started in 3rd grade or maybe even 2nd. My parents were good about shielding us from it to a point, then it couldn’t be hidden anymore. My parent’s marriage was a mess, my dad was doing drugs, my life was quickly changing. 5th grade was tough, by 6th grade my world as I knew it was gone and in 7th grade my parent’s divorce was final. My dad moved to another country, my mom got married soon after and moved us out of state, away from everything and everyone we knew with a man she had known for 6 weeks. After my sophomore year my brother and I moved back and lived with my grandparents, my dad’s parents, for awhile until he and my step-mom(he had gotten married about a year before this) moved back and we lived with them for a short time. He was still doing drugs. Eventually my mom divorced again, moved back and we moved back in with her the summer between my junior and senior year. My dad moved back out of the country with his wife and their 2 kids. Less than 2 years later my mom remarried again and we moved into his house. By this time I graduated high school and was trying to adult in life.

I say trying because let’s be honest, an 18 year old isn’t ready to adult in life and an 18 year old from a dysfunctional family is a hot mess. By 19 I met my now husband who came from a history of physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. We got married at 20 and started doing life the best we knew how. We both grew up in church and knew what we were supposed to do but came from lives where that didn’t happen so we weren’t real good at it ourselves. A few years into our marriage and our lives were just as much of a mess as what we left with our parents. We separated and spent 8 months living separate lives. By the grace of God we got back together but never really dealt with the issues.

We started a family through adoption and that in itself is a whole other story. We had a little boy from one week old to 17 months when the court ruled against state law and returned him to his birth father. Very, very long story for another time but completely devastating. We did adopt again, another little boy. We adopted again, this time a little girl. Her adoption was not without trials and her adoption contested when she was a year and a half. Everything worked out and we have our 2 beautiful children(short sugar coated version for a story long enough to write a book about).

Living my own American dream now, right? Not quite, remember earlier I said my husband and I got back together but never really dealt with anything? Well it all reared it’s ugly head. It got messy and really really hard but through it all God is faithful and my husband and I are not only still together but better than ever.

Enter the present time.

I left out a lot of the gory details trying not to throw my parents or my husband(remember it takes 2 to make a marriage fall apart so I had a big part in that) under the bus but trying to let you see where some of my wounds come from. Wounds that Satan saw as an big fat opportunity to jump on. Wounds that he twisted and warped into lies he first whispered, then said, and finally screamed over and over and over. He took the wounds others had inflicted and sinful mistakes I had made and used them for his benefit. Satan also takes things in my current every day life and uses them to scream these lies to me each and every day now, just as he uses wounds from my past to scream at me, trying to bring death to my life. Not physical death but emotional death. Remember the enemy comes only to steal, kill, and destroy(John 10:10).

At this point you’re probably asking if I know all this, if I can identify all this then why am I still struggling with it? Why do I listen to the lies of the enemy? Good question. I’m not sure I have the answer to it though. Maybe because I am human and as long as I’m on this earth I am flesh and will have struggles this side of heaven. Maybe because God isn’t finished with me yet and this is part of the process of making me into who He wants me to be, who I’m supposed be, who He made me to be. I know that regardless of the reason He will use it for His good, for my good, according to His purpose(Romans 8:28).

This is what I do know.

I am not defined by my current circumstances, by my past, by my wounds, by my future, by my mistakes, by my accomplishments. I am not defined by the people in my life or not in my life. I am not defined by the lies of the enemy. I am defined by God and only God. What the world sees is not what God sees. What the world or the enemy says is not what God says. My worth and my value are not found in what the world sees or says I am. My worth and my value are not found in what Satan says. My value and worth are not found in who I say I am. My value and worth are only defined and found in God. It is in Christ, my savior. I am who God says I am, who He defines me to be.

I want to be defined by God and nothing or anyone else.

I am not my past. I am not my mistakes. I am not my circumstances. I am not my accomplishments.

I am a child of a God. I am a daughter of the one true King. I am redeemed. I am sanctified. I am precious, invaluable, priceless, irreplaceable, wanted. I am loved.

My friend, so are you.

P.S. Photos from my recent trip to visit my Dad and family in Belize because God is good. The beauty I see in what many would see as an ugly old fishing island is a reminder to me that I am what God sees and not anyone else sees. I will keep drawing closer to him to be held and listen to His whisper until it drowns out the lie of the enemy.

Rocky the Big Baby Bully

On September 28, 2018 we said good bye to our pitbull mix Rocky.  It was hard, really hard. Actually harder than I thought it would be.  We’ve had to put two other dogs down in the 21+ years we’ve been married but this one seemed harder.

Nokomis was the first dog I had to make the choice to put down and it was hard because she had been my baby before we had babies.  She had been there through the tough ugly parts of our life. She had been there while we waited to adopt, she was there when we lost Brayden and she was there for our 2 kids now.  She was my fur baby while my heart broke waiting for dream of being a mommy.  I cried ugly tears when we had to put her down and for awhile after.  I knew without a doubt it was what I had to do for her though.  She had a ruptured disc in her spine, could no longer walk and, was in pain. As much as it hurt I knew it was the right choice.

6-7 months later we had to put Nash down.  We had Nash through all the ups and downs of adopting. He was with us through Brayden and was sidekick to our kids now. He had started having strange behaviors.  Things like sitting in the closet, facing the corner and growling.  He also would growl for no reason with no one around him.  With an almost 3 year old and a 4 year old I wasn’t taking chances and made an appointment with our vet to find out what was wrong with him.  The night before his appointment we found a growth on the bottom of his foot.  He had a spot on his elbow but it was in that spot that large dog get calleouses on from laying so I didn’t think much about it.  When I saw the same growth on his foot I knew it wasn’t a skin tag and it wasn’t good.  The next day the vet drew fluid from the growth and called later to tell us it was cancer.  I don’t remeber what kind just that the vet said with this type of cancer by the time it appears on the outside of the body its so far progressed interanlly there’s nothing we can do.  She also said with the behavior changes we were seeing it was probably in his brain and we should put him down immediately so he did not suffer and not to chance him biting one of the kids and that being their last memory of their beloved pet.  There were tears again and this time it was harder on our 4 year old. Again as much as it hurt to say goodbye to another fur baby and family pet, I knew this was the right choice.

Both kids were used to having dogs around and Wyatt was really struggling not having any dogs so about 3 weeks after putting Nash down we adopted Princess, a Mountan Cur from a shelter.  About 8-9 months later we adopted Rocky, a pitbull mix from a rescue. This was in 2010.  We really thought Princess would be more our daughter’s dog and Rocky would be more our son’s dog.  It ended up the other way around. There was some connection between Selah and Rocky and they became best friends.  They had kindred spirits, it was just a girl and her pitbull.

The years passed and they grew closer and closer.  As struggles began in school Rocky was her safe place.  She would lay and read to him.  Sit and do math homework with him.  He slept in her bed every night and it wasn’t uncommon to find her laying in the dog bed with him.  I have pictures through out the years of them growing up together and usually it was with her lovingly squeezing him around the neck in a hug that he loved just as much as she did.  Rocky became her emotional support dog through the storms of life, he was her best friend. Always just a girl and her pit bull.

It was probably in 2014 or 2015 he tore the equivelant to a dog’s ACL.  We went to the vet and while there was a surgery it was costly and didn’t have very good success rates.  With research we made the decision not to have the surgery and allow it to heal on its own.  About a year later he tore his other side, which is common to happen once a dog tears one side. All in all it really didn’t slow him down.  He’d still chase squirls and chipmunks(and catch them). He’d all out sprint to try and catch the 4-wheeler when we had it out.  Rocky and Princess were also quite the hunting team and killed multiple raccons, squirrels, groundhogs, and even a opossum. Occasionally we’d have to go to the vet for some pain medications and after about a week he’d be back to his old self.

In 2017 when we decided to start homeschooling Selah, Rocky and Selah were always together.  School work was done with him as a pillow, a desk, or just a big baby to snuggle.  During this time it was apparent his knees were getting worse and we began more frequent trips to the vet.  By January 2018 X-rays showed what the vet said was the worst arthritis he had seen in a dogs knees and he wasn’t sure how he was even walking.  Armed with pain medication we headed home.  He began slowing down at this point and developed a growth on his back.  The growth quickly grew but then stopped.  Back to the vet we went and was told as quickly as it grew probably cancer but with his other health issues it wasn’t advised to do a biopsy. We began to prepare Selah for what we knew was coming.

We began seeing more and more signs that the time was coming near for the big baby bully.  I had him back at the vet and was told this time there was nothing left for us to do.  Pain medications were no longer working, he was having severe anxiety due to the pain and the vet could tell he was in a lot of pain.  I point blank asked the vet if it was his dog what would he do and was told it was time to put him down so he didn’t suffer.  He said to call the office when we were ready.

The hardest thing to do was to sit down and tell Selah that we had to make the decision to put Rocky down because he was suffering.  There were so many tears. Tears of saddnes and tears of anger.  We gave her time. We told her we wouldn’t rush to put him down but the time was coming soon and we would know when it was time.  It was about 4 weeks later and we knew.  It was an awful 4 weeks wondering if we were prolonging Rocky’s pain just to ease Selah’s pain.  I was constantly back and forth about what was the right decsion.  When Rocky started to pull himself away from Selah we knew it was time.  When he growled at Selah, we knew it was time.  But the night we decided it was now was the night he was restless and up and my husband Randy put him out to go to the bathroom and he ran away.  Randy woke me up and I went out looking for him. Rocky came back with me yelling and pleading with him to come back for Selah but he kept wanting to run away the rest of the night. He was up most of the night restless and it was then that I looked him in the face and told him, “I know buddy, I know how much your hurting and I know it’s time.  I promise we won’t make you suffer any longer but I need you to give me a couple days to tell Selah. Please give me a few days to make the call.” Rocky huffed in my face and went and laid down the rest of what little bit of night was left.

I cried as I told Selah.  I told her I know it hurts but it’s not fair to make Rocky suffer and because we love him it’s what we need to do.  I cried a lot over the next few days. We made the appointment and she went back and forth about going with us.  She decided to go. When the day came Wyatt, Selah, Rocky and myself headed to the vet and Randy was meeting us there. When we got there she couldn’t go in which is why Wyatt came because we had a feeling she wouldn’t be able to go through with it and didn’t want her sitting in the car waiting alone.

As we went in I was still agonizing over the decision.  It wasn’t so cut and dry like Nokomis and Nash.  Yes Rocky was in pain but a lot of time he was still happy loveable big baby bully.  It was so hard, were we making the right choice.  I sat on the floor of that vet’s office crying as I petted him and looked into his soulful gold eyes. eyes that reflected sorrow and pain.  The vet came in to talk to us and as he walked out to get the medication to put him down he said I know this hard but you’re making the right choice, I can look at him and see how much pain he is in.  It was a little help but I was still heartbroken.  I sat and held his head, looking into his eyes as the shot was admistered and he took his last breath with tears streaming down my face.  The vet and assistant left to give us time to say good bye and I heard through the closed door as the vet told the assistant, “He was such a sweet dog, they made the best and most loving choice for him, he’s been in pain for a long time.” Some small solace for my hurting soul.

That night was tough.  We left with Rocky and came home without him.  Princess not understanding what had happened was confused.  We left for dinner not wanting to sit at home and came back late for bed.  Bedtime brought more tears and I layed in bed with Selah as she cried herself to sleep missing Rocky and his bedtime snuggles.  The days and nights that followed were filled with tears and adjustments to missing more than just a pet. I frequently went to bed with her as bedtime was the hardest without him to sleep with her.  We tried to alternate nights with Princess in each kids bed but whoever didn’t have her didn’t sleep. Questioning if we should get another dog, not wanting to rush and have time to grieve but also struggling as kids were not sleeping.

Not quite 2 weeks later when my Dad and step-mom offered to buy Selah a puppy of her choosing for an early Christmas present we caved and let her get a puppy from a rescue.  She choose a small mixed breed mutt, about as far from Rocky as you could get, he’s about the size of Rocky’s head. I knew this wouldn’t replace Rocky as no dog could ever replace him, he was one of a kind, special but I hoped it would settle some of the anxiety with Rocky being gone.  It has helped Selah so much but I was not prepared for the onslaught of emotions it brought to me.  I cried and cried and cried missing Rocky and feeling like I had betrayed the big baby bully.  I was a mess.  Eventually my emotions settled and this little dog has helped Selah with the loss of her beloved Rocky.  She still misses him and tears are still shed over him and wishing he was here but she tells the new dog about Rocky. She tells him how amazing Rocky was and all the things they did together and it’s helping her grieve the loss of her best friend.  It’s helping her grieve the loss of just a girl and her pitbull.