I’m going to be real and honest and share a personal struggle. It’s something I have dealt with for years. Something that I battle with periodically that I want to win the war over once and for all. This something is a lie from the pit of hell. I know deep down it is a lie from the enemy and yet I struggle not to listen to his persistent voice telling me over and over in settle but loud ways this same lie over and over.
That lie that I hear over and over….You are worthless, unimportant, not valuable, dispensable, replaceable.
I know it’s not true. I know I am an irreplaceable, invaluable, priceless, important daughter of the one true living God. I know He loves me with an indescribable overwhelming love. I know the truth and yet Satan screams the lie trying to drown out my Heavenly Father’s gentle whisper(God whispers so we must draw near to Him and His love. Think about it. If someone screams something you can hear it from far but if someone whispers not only must you be close but extremely close to hear. Close enough that you can be held in an embrace).
Satan takes things that have happened to us in the past, things that have wounded us and twist them into lies he tells us. Over the years I have identified those wounds and the lies the enemy has told me from each and yet here I am today struggling with those same lies. These wounds come from childhood, adolescence, young adulthood and even life now. Without throwing anyone under the bus I’ll try to share more on these wounds but the truth is the people that caused the wounds didn’t set out to hurt me. We are human and we make mistakes and hurt people. When that happens Satan sees the opportunity, pounces on an open wound and pours salt in it with his lies.
I grew up in your all American family. High school sweethearts got married, had 2 kids, the dog, ranch on half an acre in the same school district they graduated from, good life living the American dream. Until that dream shattered. I was in late elementary when it all started coming apart visibly. I know by 4th grade I could see it was coming unraveled but it probably started in 3rd grade or maybe even 2nd. My parents were good about shielding us from it to a point, then it couldn’t be hidden anymore. My parent’s marriage was a mess, my dad was doing drugs, my life was quickly changing. 5th grade was tough, by 6th grade my world as I knew it was gone and in 7th grade my parent’s divorce was final. My dad moved to another country, my mom got married soon after and moved us out of state, away from everything and everyone we knew with a man she had known for 6 weeks. After my sophomore year my brother and I moved back and lived with my grandparents, my dad’s parents, for awhile until he and my step-mom(he had gotten married about a year before this) moved back and we lived with them for a short time. He was still doing drugs. Eventually my mom divorced again, moved back and we moved back in with her the summer between my junior and senior year. My dad moved back out of the country with his wife and their 2 kids. Less than 2 years later my mom remarried again and we moved into his house. By this time I graduated high school and was trying to adult in life.
I say trying because let’s be honest, an 18 year old isn’t ready to adult in life and an 18 year old from a dysfunctional family is a hot mess. By 19 I met my now husband who came from a history of physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. We got married at 20 and started doing life the best we knew how. We both grew up in church and knew what we were supposed to do but came from lives where that didn’t happen so we weren’t real good at it ourselves. A few years into our marriage and our lives were just as much of a mess as what we left with our parents. We separated and spent 8 months living separate lives. By the grace of God we got back together but never really dealt with the issues.
We started a family through adoption and that in itself is a whole other story. We had a little boy from one week old to 17 months when the court ruled against state law and returned him to his birth father. Very, very long story for another time but completely devastating. We did adopt again, another little boy. We adopted again, this time a little girl. Her adoption was not without trials and her adoption contested when she was a year and a half. Everything worked out and we have our 2 beautiful children(short sugar coated version for a story long enough to write a book about).
Living my own American dream now, right? Not quite, remember earlier I said my husband and I got back together but never really dealt with anything? Well it all reared it’s ugly head. It got messy and really really hard but through it all God is faithful and my husband and I are not only still together but better than ever.
Enter the present time.
I left out a lot of the gory details trying not to throw my parents or my husband(remember it takes 2 to make a marriage fall apart so I had a big part in that) under the bus but trying to let you see where some of my wounds come from. Wounds that Satan saw as an big fat opportunity to jump on. Wounds that he twisted and warped into lies he first whispered, then said, and finally screamed over and over and over. He took the wounds others had inflicted and sinful mistakes I had made and used them for his benefit. Satan also takes things in my current every day life and uses them to scream these lies to me each and every day now, just as he uses wounds from my past to scream at me, trying to bring death to my life. Not physical death but emotional death. Remember the enemy comes only to steal, kill, and destroy(John 10:10).
At this point you’re probably asking if I know all this, if I can identify all this then why am I still struggling with it? Why do I listen to the lies of the enemy? Good question. I’m not sure I have the answer to it though. Maybe because I am human and as long as I’m on this earth I am flesh and will have struggles this side of heaven. Maybe because God isn’t finished with me yet and this is part of the process of making me into who He wants me to be, who I’m supposed be, who He made me to be. I know that regardless of the reason He will use it for His good, for my good, according to His purpose(Romans 8:28).
This is what I do know.
I am not defined by my current circumstances, by my past, by my wounds, by my future, by my mistakes, by my accomplishments. I am not defined by the people in my life or not in my life. I am not defined by the lies of the enemy. I am defined by God and only God. What the world sees is not what God sees. What the world or the enemy says is not what God says. My worth and my value are not found in what the world sees or says I am. My worth and my value are not found in what Satan says. My value and worth are not found in who I say I am. My value and worth are only defined and found in God. It is in Christ, my savior. I am who God says I am, who He defines me to be.
I want to be defined by God and nothing or anyone else.
I am not my past. I am not my mistakes. I am not my circumstances. I am not my accomplishments.
I am a child of a God. I am a daughter of the one true King. I am redeemed. I am sanctified. I am precious, invaluable, priceless, irreplaceable, wanted. I am loved.
My friend, so are you.
P.S. Photos from my recent trip to visit my Dad and family in Belize because God is good. The beauty I see in what many would see as an ugly old fishing island is a reminder to me that I am what God sees and not anyone else sees. I will keep drawing closer to him to be held and listen to His whisper until it drowns out the lie of the enemy.
Green August 